When everyone is hurting the same way you are hurting....
No one would argue with the fact that COVID_19 has changed our lives in ways we could never have imagined possible. While few of those changes are positive (such as spending more time with family, being more introspective than usual) and most are not, these changes like almost all changes have tremendous effect on our mental well being.
Many of us are used to being the “go - to” person. You know, the ones your friends look to for understanding and compassion, the one who keeps their cool when everyone has lost theirs and always knows the right thing to say at just the right time. That often requires that we stay strong so we can help bear everyone else’s load and often we do that well. Some times it means hiding our pain so others will not feel bad for sharing their pain with us. We probably have done this for so long that we have mastered the skill of being there for everyone. And then comes a global pandemic, toppling all of our usual self-care practices and exposing our vulnerabilities.
So what do you do when you are hurting in the same way as everyone around you? How do you attempt to meet other people’s needs when your own needs threaten to overwhelm and consume you? May I suggest a few things?
Take off the mask. These are not the days to appear strong when you do not feel strong. The people in your life love you and need to see the real you. Vulnerability takes a lot of courage but it is one of the greatest signs of strength. When they see that you are hurting too, instead of seeing it as a weakness, it makes your humanity shine through and empowers them to be open and vulnerable as well.
Verbalize your needs. Often we erroneously assume the people who love us should know us well enough to know what we need. Unfortunately this would only work in relationships where one person is a mind reader! While it takes courage to say what I need and trust to communicate that need to the people in my life, expecting them to meet needs that I have not communicated is not a reasonable expectation. Like any other skill, communicating needs is a learned skill but the good news is that the more we do it, the better we become at it.
Give yourself grace! It always amazes me how much easier it is to be patient with others than with one’s self. Your body, mind, soul and spirit are living in unprecedented times, and it cannot be business as usual. Some days will be easier than others - ride the waves on those days. And when the hard days come, go with the flow. Acknowledge the way you feel and ask yourself “what do I need right now”? Be okay with whatever the answer is. Whether it is a good cry, a longer snuggle under the covers, a sad movie or listening to sad songs, there is nothing wrong with that. You've been through tough times before and you will get through this. Be gentle and kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel all your feelings, knowing those feelings will not last. Pandemic anxiety and situational depression are real issues during these times but you do not have to deal with them on your own.
When everyone around you is hurting the same way you are hurting, the major thing that forms the foundation for the above suggestions is to prioritize self. It is only when you intentionally take care of yourself first that you can better be there for those who need you!
If we can assist you to develop a self- care plan, or in any other way during these hard times, visit our website www.thealabamatherapist.com
