When You Do Not Have The Words

Sometimes people do not have the vocabulary to express the frustration, the grief and the pain that they feel. This can easily lead to anger or cause us to shut down and withdraw, but this does not make the pain, the frustration or the anger go away. In moments like this, it is important to remember that your feelings, whether verbalized or not are your feelings. They are real and you do not need to express them or justify them to make them real. The way you feel is the way you. The question might arise though: what does one do with these feelings, especially the ones that are hard to put into words? Permit me to share three tips:

i) Resist the pressure to 'feel better'. From the time we were infants certain feelings were more acceptable as our parents rewarded us with smiles and treats when we were happy and ran around frantic whenever we were sad or cried. Early socialization strategies taught us that being happy was okay. Questions like “what’s wrong?” were often followed by suggestions on how to feel better. We were hardly allowed to sit with our “anything- but -happy” feelings. Thus unintentionally the only acceptable feelings were being happy all the time or quick fixes to get us back to happy. Unlearning is hard, but it is time to embrace all our feelings. For there are no good or bad feelings. Feelings just are. Allow yourself to grieve if you need to, scream if you need to or have a good cry.

ii) Be kind and gentle with self. We tend to be more patient with others than we are with ourselves. But not right now. Not in the midst of all you are going through. Be as gentle with self as you would with a much loved friend. Check in with your body and ask yourself what you need right now. The answers may not be coming but that’s okay. Self-love and self compassion is the key to self- gentleness.

iii) Acknowledge that it is okay to feel the way you feel. When words fail you, when words are not enough to express the frustration, the anger or the pain, your feelings may just be your way of communicating to yourself and the world around you. The way you feel right now might just be the megaphone that says that it's not okay. And that in itself is a big deal.

It is okay to NOT be okay, right now and in this moment! What is important might just be the fact that you are not alone in your anger, your frustration and your pain. You do not need words to express how you feel because I see you and so do many others around you.

We see you!